goddamnit

i'm slipping up again. I'm closer to self destruction than i was when i was suicidal and I'm not even depressed. what the fuck? if anyone can come over and save me that would be pretty great.

Februaury 12, 2014

Been drinking a crap load of tea, pretending to be healthy before I get shit faced.

First time I got drunk was when I was 17 and it was at my friend's acreage. Her mom laughed at me because I got overly emotional and started crying and talking to myself. I miss that, it was a secret event. We'd get together for something like a birthday or the end of finals and get drunk. I miss the freedom to just run amok in her mom's back yard and not fear getting raped or killed in an alley. Overall I miss the talks we had around the campfire and dizzying laughter. Now we're split between two cities and all of my friends are making new friends, moving on and getting somewhere. And here I am, pathetic as ever. I used to be okay with the idea of being alone, used to bask in the freedom it granted me. Now I care too much about the opinions of others and yearn just having someone there. 

Better?

I'm drinking more tea, taking my vitamins, waking up earlier, and slowly but surely starting on my online classes. It's not exactly great, but its something. Something is better than nothing, right?

Dinner

Bulimia

When I was younger it was really bad. Now I just do it whenever I'm stressed. Eat lots then purge, it helps for some reason. Not now of course. Just saying, it happens.

February 5, 2014

Woke up early again today, 8AM. Had breakfast, walked on the treadmill, showered. All before 12. Yay. My study session yesterday went great, got 3 hours of work in.
Still tired, 9 hours of sleep again. Is that too much or too little? I have no idea. I used to sleep for 15+ hours before, and that was never enough either. I'll just keep taking the melatonin, also need to buy more sleeping aids. I have some rum and wine, a glass of alcohol usually gets me sleepy so I should be fine until I get more money.
My stress levels are at 6 on a scale from 1 to 10. So pretty good. Emotionally I've been okay. Not too happy or too sad, just floating in between.
On the bus yesterday I stood up too early and continued standing up as the bus kept going, which sounds fine but I was mortified. I hate people staring at me or feeling exposed, ironically since I love dying my hair odd colours. But thats for me to feel good, not to be a walking exhibit. 

February 4, 2014

Woke up twice last night, but managed 9 hours of sleep. Woke up at 8AM, made coffee and and two bowls of cereal. Got study plans at 5pm.
So I've accomplished

• Waking up before noon
• Ate breakfast
• Requested a new health card
• Took vitamins
• Put mattress back into bedroom

So yeah, its been overly productive for me today. Strange. Despite having moments of drowsiness I feel okay about today.

Truth

I haven't stepped out of my house since Thursday and have laying in bed for the majority of that time. I am losing my sense of worth and it fucking sucks. Maybe I'll wake up before 3 tomorrow and do grown up things. We'll see and just hope.